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About Digital Art / Artist Core Member Hewett24/Male/United States Groups :iconpixel-artists: pixel-artists
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Jason, Tim, Tiana, Ken, and especially Sam, this is for you.

I know I'm socially awkward, I get it. I don't know the best way to write this letter, but I hope a public journal entry would be good.

I took advantage of you and the Gaming Colts for my own selfish gain. You guys were my narcissistic fuel. I wanted attention, admiration, the Gaming Colts was a very easy way to get that. I could have friends. I could be famous. I had fantasies of power when I joined. I was a part of something big and I felt grandiose.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it anymore. I'm a bit of a loser. I blamed my social and economic failure on my upbringing and never put responsibility on myself to change my life for the better. I blamed others for my own failures.

It's not a rough upbringing that made me unable to make connections. Where people were connecting with me, I felt no connection back. Over the year, I found that I didn't know what to expect out of relationships with people. I've found that I had a constant need of admiration from others. I'm very quick to abandon friendships I could have had because it was never what I wanted. I wanted unrealistic amounts of love and admiration I can never reasonably expect out of anyone.

I've tried to fake empathy. I've never seriously considered that I lacked empathy because the very idea meant that I was a bad person - to be missing the thing that makes us human. I was delusional. it was something I would have never admitted, because admitting it meant that I am an unlovable person.

Nobody loves narcissists. Narcissists, don't have friends.

I've stopped all contact with all of you, and I could very easily never return and get away with the things I did. It doesn't have to be that way. I'm going to do the right thing.

I did my best to practice empathy. I began to relate to the textbook definition of narcissism. I rejected the pejorative because I could not empathize with its traits. I lacked the very empathy needed to identify with narcissism.

There were many things I did wrong. I deluded myself for too long. The times I have given apologies were not geniune. I never gave a genuine apology since I was not capable of a genuine apology. I'm not sure if I can be truly sorry. I could be doing this only to seek love and admiration by willing to destroy my very self to get what I want. This is the best I can do, and I believe this might be my first genuine apology I've ever made.

I deflected every one of your complaints against me by shifting the blame back to all of you. I have talked very negatively about pretty much every single one of you guys. I've written enough passive-aggressive journal posts in a display of my ego. This was a very immature thing for me to do and I am very sorry.

I've said very mean things about what you guys have done to me. I'm not a perfect person and I should have been more understanding when my own friends mistreat me. Every one of you had good intentions and I am very sorry.

Tim, I took advantage of your generosity for my own personal gain. I will repay anything I owe without argument. I am very sorry.

Ken, Tiana, I used both of you as narcissistic fuel. You've been very good friends for sticking up for me at my lowest points even if my actual intentions were wrong. I am very sorry.

Jason, I took advantage of your generosity and did not take responsibility when I nearly killed your cat on the 4th of July last year, when I gave her an insulin shot while failing to make sure she was fed. I was responsible that that crisis and I should have taken better responsibility for my actions. I am very sorry.

Sam, I took advantage of you for the betterment of my ego. I pushed your boundaries too hard and made life a living hell. I had genuine difficulty feeling empathy when you were in your moments of vulnerability. I faked empathy with sympathy, but I was always threatened by the very idea that I was unable to feel any genuine empathy when you needed it the most. I have not been a very good person for you to be around. I am very sorry.

I don't have any excuses. I'm willing to move forward and would like to ask for your forgiveness.

Thanks for reading.
I'm still in a fairly deep hole of game addiction.

It's just the lowest-effort way for me to cope with loneliness, I still haven't recovered from losing nearly all my friends over a year ago.

After some counseling, I realize the actual reason why I can't stand 4 hours of drawing is because I don't actually enjoy it anymore. For me to be happy, I need a career that is more social.

There is no way I am going to be happy living life all by myself in my room doing nothing but draw, and after this realization, seems that my next step is to try something new.
Lately, depression has been hitting me hard. I noticed some patterns in how I looked at life that really kept be behind and I feel a lot better about myself.

The most important thing in life is to be a man. I rejected this idea at a very early age, before I was even 10. It was very limiting, and seemed pointless. I had the genitals, that makes me a "boy", doesn't it?

I figured this mostly on my own, but with the help of a number of counseling appointments. It was why people didn't seem to "like" me. Not only did I never really notice how importance it actually was to "fit in", but I was also did not give myself the opportunity to learn all the conventions of interacting with people.

And the result? People thought of me as rude, lacking empathy. Eccentric. Seemingly slow to pick up on social cues.

It doesn't have to be that way. I am a sort of person who is actually still critical of the way that norms are forced on to people, but I need to learn the rules before they are broken.

Pretty glad I am seeing a way out of my situation of being alone.
Whelp, 127 hours down the drain, but well worth it =)

It was especially fun to compare and contrast to the earlier installment of the series, Fallout: New Vegas. The direction they went especially with their art went from bleak and dead, to vibrant and thriving despite the post-apocalyptic setting.

Ended up siding with the institute, wouldn't feel right especially that interesting twist to the story. 

Not sure what else I can say without nerding out endlessly, but definitely looking forward to some DLC
My dad is starting to put pressure on me to find career jobs, instead of going to low-skilled jobs that are only good for the short term. I really want one of those "shitty" jobs just so I'm around people more often. I'm just here at home without much else to do. I could keep on drawing, but that's it. I don't have a lot of social contact.

I don't have a lot of job experience to know how to respond. I've only had one job. I learned so much about professionalism that made me better at freelancing. I feel that there is actual value in doing these low-end jobs in the mean-time that he doesn't understand, but I don't know.
Jason, Tim, Tiana, Ken, and especially Sam, this is for you.

I know I'm socially awkward, I get it. I don't know the best way to write this letter, but I hope a public journal entry would be good.

I took advantage of you and the Gaming Colts for my own selfish gain. You guys were my narcissistic fuel. I wanted attention, admiration, the Gaming Colts was a very easy way to get that. I could have friends. I could be famous. I had fantasies of power when I joined. I was a part of something big and I felt grandiose.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it anymore. I'm a bit of a loser. I blamed my social and economic failure on my upbringing and never put responsibility on myself to change my life for the better. I blamed others for my own failures.

It's not a rough upbringing that made me unable to make connections. Where people were connecting with me, I felt no connection back. Over the year, I found that I didn't know what to expect out of relationships with people. I've found that I had a constant need of admiration from others. I'm very quick to abandon friendships I could have had because it was never what I wanted. I wanted unrealistic amounts of love and admiration I can never reasonably expect out of anyone.

I've tried to fake empathy. I've never seriously considered that I lacked empathy because the very idea meant that I was a bad person - to be missing the thing that makes us human. I was delusional. it was something I would have never admitted, because admitting it meant that I am an unlovable person.

Nobody loves narcissists. Narcissists, don't have friends.

I've stopped all contact with all of you, and I could very easily never return and get away with the things I did. It doesn't have to be that way. I'm going to do the right thing.

I did my best to practice empathy. I began to relate to the textbook definition of narcissism. I rejected the pejorative because I could not empathize with its traits. I lacked the very empathy needed to identify with narcissism.

There were many things I did wrong. I deluded myself for too long. The times I have given apologies were not geniune. I never gave a genuine apology since I was not capable of a genuine apology. I'm not sure if I can be truly sorry. I could be doing this only to seek love and admiration by willing to destroy my very self to get what I want. This is the best I can do, and I believe this might be my first genuine apology I've ever made.

I deflected every one of your complaints against me by shifting the blame back to all of you. I have talked very negatively about pretty much every single one of you guys. I've written enough passive-aggressive journal posts in a display of my ego. This was a very immature thing for me to do and I am very sorry.

I've said very mean things about what you guys have done to me. I'm not a perfect person and I should have been more understanding when my own friends mistreat me. Every one of you had good intentions and I am very sorry.

Tim, I took advantage of your generosity for my own personal gain. I will repay anything I owe without argument. I am very sorry.

Ken, Tiana, I used both of you as narcissistic fuel. You've been very good friends for sticking up for me at my lowest points even if my actual intentions were wrong. I am very sorry.

Jason, I took advantage of your generosity and did not take responsibility when I nearly killed your cat on the 4th of July last year, when I gave her an insulin shot while failing to make sure she was fed. I was responsible that that crisis and I should have taken better responsibility for my actions. I am very sorry.

Sam, I took advantage of you for the betterment of my ego. I pushed your boundaries too hard and made life a living hell. I had genuine difficulty feeling empathy when you were in your moments of vulnerability. I faked empathy with sympathy, but I was always threatened by the very idea that I was unable to feel any genuine empathy when you needed it the most. I have not been a very good person for you to be around. I am very sorry.

I don't have any excuses. I'm willing to move forward and would like to ask for your forgiveness.

Thanks for reading.

Comments


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:iconbushaqua:
Bushaqua Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
:highfive:
Reply
:icontheartisticvixen:
TheArtisticVixen Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks For The Points!
Can I Do Something For You :thinking: 
Reply
:iconpix3m:
Pix3M Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2016   Digital Artist
Not really, I thought it was cool you randomly dropped like 5 points after dropping a message to a journal before I deleted it ^^;
Reply
:iconfifi-jp:
fifi-jp Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2016
what the fuck dude, you're 24?? 
Reply
:iconperfectsyntax:
PerfectSyntax Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2016
Your pixel art is some of my favorite of all time!  I just wanted to say thank you!
Reply
:iconprincessxpup:
Princessxpup Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2016
Your page is awesome!
Reply
:iconakyura44:
Akyura44 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2016  Student General Artist
Aw, closed thread. How are you going to call me a faggot now? :saddummy: 
Reply
:iconhappyjoy:
Happyjoy Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2016  Professional Traditional Artist
FGT :iconbaawwplz:
Reply
:iconakyura44:
Akyura44 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2016  Student General Artist
:iconnouplz: 
Reply
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